Campaign Talk

Hi, I’m Jon Thomas, but some people call me Dick.

Dick?

As in Van Dyck --

Van Dyck, try as in Head.

They don’t talk about me behind my back do they?

Sir, not only do they talk about you behind your back, but they do it on television, on the radio, and, on the front page of my morning paper. Why are you talking to them, before talking to me?

You think I’m new at this? Don’t be stupid...this is my fifth trip around the sun.

Yeah?  Well, you’ve been getting too familiar with the scenery.

I appreicate the enthusiam of the voters.

That’s nice...enthusiam...Stop taking in girls from the press gaggles. 

Why?

Because somebody’s gonna notice, and they all have video cameras, and they all want to tell the public something they don’t know.  

Are you pissed?

The veins of my forehead have turned into the mighty Colorado, what gave it away?

I’m telling you, you’re going to pass out.  Your face is turning all red.  

No it isn’t.  Stop looking at it.  Do I look over your shoulder while you’re trying to take a piss?  Get off me...Jesus!

Listen, how bout we sit for a minute, eh.  Maybe, grab a drink...calm down a little.  You’re shaking.

It’ll go away. 

Yeah, well so did my mother-in law, but she had to fall down a flight of stairs first.  

Ouch. 

Not that hard head.  Damn she was an idiot. 

No, sir, we’ve wandered far from the point.

Which was?

  Stop saying ‘and some people call me Dick.’

I heard you, and I asked you why.

Because it makes people think about why some people would call you a dick, and we need people thinking you’re a hero.  NOT a dick.  Get it?

Yeah.  I get it.

Jesus

I heard that.

If I didn’t mean you to, I would have said it quietly.